Orphanage for the English Language

lian adopts words: "fuck" and "cigarettes"

2006-05-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

The Orphanage marks its first adoption in, uh, the longest time with a double adoption, this time of two of our more, shall we say, unruly words: "fuck" and "cigarettes". How exactly do you copulate with tightly rolled wads of tobacco, I leave to your imagination: suffice to say that our foster parent this time around is female, and I certainly hope her surgeon did a good enough job to pass off as anatomically accurate on first sight at least.

(Editor's Note: We were supposed to start off this post in epic iambic pentameter, but ah well- so much for ambition.)

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood cigarettes coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus fuck god-with-a-capital-g hello incensed insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin pompous rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

SChnup adopts a word: "fuzzy"

2006-03-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

This time, we at the Orphanage did something different. That's right, we let the adoptee write his own piece! Take it away, Schnuppy.

I'm going to adopt 'fuzzy', as in 'fuzzy dork'. I considered dork, too, but there was really no contest. Adjectives are so much more fun to use; they add flavor to subsequent words.

Fuzzy can mean several things; unclear, furry, downy, hairy, nebulous etc., but my interpretation is usually in conjunction with 'dork', i.e., the famous cute fuzzy dorks that I'm forever mentioning on #poetry. Everyone's probably puzzled at the abstractness of using such a phrase to describe cute boys, but let me try to clear it up here. 'Fuzzy' in this case refers to the kind of hair that you get after you go to the barber, and it grows back, sort of like stubble, or the greyness that shows through the skin after you shave. I just think it's cute. It's.....probably a gay thing.

Then again, everyone (except those who are allergic) likes touching nice fuzzy downy surfaces: fur on pets, velvety blankets, peaches, fine downy hair on other people... especially on cute dorks!

So, I hope this word is preserved long after the language has morphed beyond recognition to current speakers/users, because it has come to mean a lot more to me over the years than just plain... peach fuzz.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus god-with-a-capital-g hello incensed insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin pompous rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Eugene adopts a word: "god-with-a-capital-g"

2006-03-30T21:30:00.000+08:00

"Happiness is found in the middle of a bagel." - Tea 2:26

"Let he who has not enjoyed a pretzel cast the first cheese." - Cheese 8:7

Have you accepted Jeff as your personal bagel?

Disclaimer: "god-with-a-capital-g", as far as the Orphanage knows, is not a real word. Although it should be.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus god-with-a-capital-g hello incensed insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin pompous rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Glenn adopts a word: "pompous"

2006-03-30T21:29:00.000+08:00

This is pomp.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello incensed insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin pompous rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Clarence adopts a word: "incensed"

2006-03-27T20:42:00.000+08:00

Steve, another friend of mine and myself have created the ultimate drink to commerate his 21st year of existence in this vale of tears and sorrow. If life is nothing more than a play, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, then this drink must be the deus ex machina of the theatre, the nom de plume of the eponymous scriptwriter in this Greek tragedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you... the E-21 (pronounced "estel-two-one").

1 part whiskey 
3 parts coffee 
Add milk to taste

Now you might think that this is the recipe to Irish Coffee, and indeed you would be correct, for this was how the E-21 so innocently started out. But as the shadows of that fateful night grew longer, and the darkness melted into penumbra of reality, the potent cocktail of sleep depreviation plus caffeine exploded...

1 glass of Irish Coffee 
1/4 bottle of Tobasco sauce 
1 part watered down watermelon juice 
1 part green tea ice-cream 
1 part green tea 
1 part chicken chowder stew
1 part toasted bread crumbs

Tear toast into little little bite-sized chunks before throwing them into said-connoction. Add copious amounts of Tobasco, stir with metal spoon (general surgeon warning: non-metallic spoons may dissolve). Allow bread to simper and soak up all the goodness. Prepare shot of tequila. Grin at birthday boy.

It gets worse as times goes by, and the coffee's tannic acid starts to seep into the mix the longer you let it sit. The arcid stink of the drink begins to get so bad that it makes a very powerful deterrent to people sitting in the same cafe as yourself, and you start to draw really weird stares. You will also probably suffer terribly kharmic consequences for inflicting this upon any living creature, but oh Shiva! was it worth it?

Hell yeah.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello incensed insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Dee adopts a word: "lovelorn"

2006-03-23T00:48:00.000+08:00

Sonnet 138, Shakespeare

When my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutor'd youth,
Unlearned in the world's false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth suppress'd.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
O, love's best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told:
Therefore I lie with her and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flatter'd be.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life love lovelorn mother muffin rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Scottie adopts a word: "love"

2006-03-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -Steve

It's cheesy as hell, but someone's got to do it. Might as well be her.

-sighs.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life love mother muffin rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Din adopts a word: "scantily"

2006-03-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

I knew she was trouble the moment she walked in the door. Brunette, with a body to die for scantily clad in a red trenchcoat and a face that I last saw carved in light through the stained glass window of a Roman cathedral. I stepped into that church a sinner, and I stepped out of it three shots richer: one shot lead, and the other two bourbon.

They call me the Director. The Clockwork Director. God made me an uglyass mother, but Don Venucci decided he liked me better with a new smile carved from a broken beer bottle. I paid him back full for the favour, of course: payback's a bitch, but there it is. Last I heard, he wasn't Don no more, and when the wind blows right his asshole still whistles the theme song to a Western.

My best buds are Jack (Daniels) and Jim (Beam), but there ain't nothing like Martha in a spot. After all, like they say, a man's got his friends, but when push comes to shove he's only got his dick on a stick. And ain't that the truth. .357, with a mouth that her mother wouldn't kiss- the dirty sonofabitch that she is- but with a heart made of a Magnum core and a jacketed hollow point.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin rainbow reticence scantily speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

leap adopts a word: "coffee"

2006-03-19T23:13:00.000+08:00

I like my women like I like my coffee.

In a cup.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood coffee conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin rainbow reticence speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

wolfman adopts a word: "speed"

2006-03-17T01:23:00.000+08:00

Google returns 923,000,000 results for the word "speed" in approximately 0.23 seconds, or 230 milliseconds. According to Wikipedia, a millisecond is a thousandth of a second; it takes 2.27 milliseconds for A to cycle above middle C in music, and 3 milliseconds for a housefly to flap a wing. According to Steve, the average housefly will eat an average of eight humans while sleeping in its lifetime.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin rainbow reticence speed gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

milk_teddy adopts a word: "rainbow"

2006-03-17T01:22:00.000+08:00

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin rainbow reticence gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

sTuFfY adopts a word: "diarrhea"

2006-03-17T01:21:00.000+08:00

So Steve went to the 7-11 the other day and got himself a diet Coke. Zero calories, you know, but with all the lovely flavonoids that make it taste like you're drinking carbonated water out of a ferret's rectum. Anyway. So he got himself a diet Coke, right? And he drank it all. Every single last drop of it.

I didn't see Steve the next day because he was sick. I could hear him being sick over the telephone, with the echo-ey thing inevitably associated with the toilet that makes your voice sound like God's: if God was being sick in the shitter and having a particularly bad bout of stomach flu, at least. When he next picked up the phone to mumble some incoherent reply into the reciever, I was on the verge of heaving up what remained of my lunch as well.

"Hullo? Steve? You there?"

"*mumble mumble* Ugh... oh, shit. Hold on"

"Steve? Steve? What the... you bastard."

The shitter of God flushed, then, and I could hear him undo his pants.

Further discourse on this rather soft subject has already been made by greater minds other than my own, and I can only hope to- so to speak- illuminate the shallowest part of this volatile topic's very bowels. What I may add here is merely only activated charcoal to the Lomotil of Socrates (who wrote, as you know, the Diarrhetic), or the Buscopan of Wildean delights that is, was, and ever will be a cult classic amongst sore-bottommed admirers: A Journey to the Center of the Earth, by Jules Verne. My own meager talents lie elsewhere, outside the realm of this highly esoteric and specialised field.

Diet-Coke-drinking Steve eventually recovered, of course, but we learnt a lesson from this episode after all: never, ever, ever eat raw seafood when you're allergic to it, as there's a good chance that you'll be stricken down with diarrhea.

That is all.

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood conflagration diarrhea english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin reticence gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

saranghae adopts a word: "asphyxiate"

2006-03-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

Look at the McMan at McDonalds, handing you your McMeal, telling you to have a nice McDay. Look at him. Pristine uniform- slight sweat stains showing under the armpits-, with a smile about as real as the cheap plastic toy sitting on your tray now. What do you think he's thinking of, as he goes through the arcane gestures that enables the cash register to conjure money out of a slit in the little black box? What is going through that head beneath the slicked-back centre-parted hair?

The toy stares at you in incomprehension, a smile painted on its made-in-China face. You bite into your burger as you feel the sesame bun yield to the force of your teeth, mayo and cream and ketchup dripping from its every pore onto the paper box that proudly proclaims its recycled status. You swallow. The burger is, of course, good. It always is. Every one is made to perfection under the greasy, skilled hands of overworked teenage chefs drawing five dollars an hour, when all they really want to is to go home and masturbate to dirty pictures of their girlfriends on their camera phones.

You fondle the toy (still in its shrink-wrapped package, of course) with a longing that simmers beneath your conscious mind. What is it about the prehensile rubber that calls out to you?, you wonder idly. This is a toy. This is commericalism given form; a totem of capitalism that we prostrate before in humble, unthinking worship of its conformity. Quality assurers assure us that it follows the dictates of ISO: priests to its single-minded purpose in this grey plane of existence. We live, we fuck, and then we die through self-afflicted asphyxiation in the pursuit of the latter. And they will come to our funerals, bearing black ties, murmuring the appropriate words that will show their Xeroxed sincerity upon their sleeves. Some may even cry.

What will they say at your funeral?

Words adopted so far: a asphyxiate adopt blood conflagration english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin reticence gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Psy adopts a word: "adopt"

2006-03-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

"'tis better to burn out than to fade away." -Shakespeare

Life comes full-circle to us all. We are thrust into this world by vaginal contractions, then go through life trying to return to the place where we were born. Dounuts are circular, with a circular hole through them. The wheel, the ball, the earth itself: all round. Bottle caps, hub caps, trousers when viewed from the top: circles, all of them, or made up of many circles. The imaginary number of zero is a circle. Even the Orphanage itself starts with a circle letter.

Guess what's in the middle of the word "adopt". Right smack in the middle.

Go on. Guess.

That's right.

A circle.

Life comes full-circle to us all.

Words adopted so far: a adopt blood conflagration english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin reticence gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

twentysec adopts a word: "gerbera"

2006-03-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

I believe that gerberas are our future. They represent everything that we hold dear in this postmodern existence: colour, sunworship, ornamentalism, symbolism, having the dubious honor of first being described by a guy named J.D. Hooker... man, I'll love to be described by a guy whose last name is Hooker. Gerberas have everything that we will ever want in life, and even come in yellow, orange, white, pink or red.

While the gerbera looks like it's really just a single flower, it's really made up of hundreds of individual flowers. And that... is really an analogy for the complexity of life! Like, uhm. Y'know. Stuff. Philosophy and all that. Existentialism. So we're all very glad that twentysec adopted "gerbera", if only to take this thorny issue out of our hands.

"Gerbera". Whoever's heard of a word like that? -mutters.

Words adopted so far: a blood conflagration english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin reticence gerbera gonorrhea yogurt

Priscilla adopts a word: "hello"

2006-03-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

Hello Poem by Steve (who also calls himself Robert Sward)

Hello wife, hello world, hello God,
I love you. Hello certain monsters,
ghosts, office buildings, I love you. Dog,
dog-dogs, cat, cat-cats, I love you.
Hello Things-In-Themselves, Things Not Quite
In Themselves (but trying), I love you.
River-rivers, flower-flowers, clouds
and sky;
the Trolley Museum in Maine
(with real trolleys); airplanes taking
off; airplanes not taking off; airplanes
landing,
I love you.

The IRT,
BMT; the London subway
(yes, yes, pedants, the Underground)
system; the Moscow subway system,
all subway systems except the
Chicago subway system. Ah yes,
I love you, the Chicago El-
evated. Sexual intercourse,
hello, hello.

Love, I love you; Death,
I love you;
and some other things, as well,
I love you. Like what? Walt Whitman,
Wagner, Henry Miller;
a really
extraordinary, one-legged
Tijuana whore; I love you, loved
you.

The Reader's Digest (their splendid,
monthly vocabulary tests), Life
and Look...
handball, volleyball, tennis;
croquet, basketball, football, Sixty-
nine;
draft beer for a nickel; women
who will lend you money, women
who will not;
women, pregnant women;
women who I am making pregnant;
women who I am not making pregnant.
Women. Trees, goldfish, silverfish,
coral fish, coral;
I love you, I
love you.

Words adopted so far: a blood conflagration english eucalyptus hello insatiable life mother muffin reticence gonorrhea yogurt

Daniel adopts a word: "gonorrhea"

2006-03-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

"Gonorrhea".

Wow.

I mean, what else can I say?

"Gonorrhea".

Words adopted so far: a blood conflagration english eucalyptus insatiable life mother muffin reticence gonorrhea yogurt

Arif adopts a word: "a"

2006-03-14T23:32:00.000+08:00

Chambers Twentieth Century Dictionary lists "a" as the first entry, and lists at least 3 different entries for it (approximately three inches worth of print, or 230 proper words) with nineteen references to other entries. There is no entry above "a", and "aardvark" is listed beneath "a" on page, well, 1.

There may be many "a"s in the world, but this one is his. This one belongs to him. Without his "a", he is nothing. Without him, his "a" is nothing.

Words adopted so far: a blood conflagration english eucalyptus insatiable life mother muffin reticence yogurt

seastreet adopts a word: "english"

2006-03-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

And we start another day at the Orphanage, this time with a backlogged entry from seastreet adopting the word "english" last Sunday. Oh, that boy, he so sharp, he cut himself some day with his own wit. My friend, Steve, once slit his own wrist with sheer wit and cleverness. He wasn't that sharp, though, so he didn't quite die then. When they rushed him to the E.R., the doctors...

But I digress, don't I? Well, we over here certainly hope seastreet would be happy with his adoption. Well done, seastreet! Woo-hoo!

Words adopted so far: blood conflagration english eucalyptus insatiable life mother muffin reticence yogurt

Hana adopts TWO words: "muffin" and "reticence"

2006-03-13T01:44:00.000+08:00

Wow, our very first double adoption! While we do not really encourage the practice of new foster parents adopting more than one word at a time, Hana promises not to neglect "muffin" just because she has "reticence": and we made an exception this time round. "Muffin" was, after all, a rather easy word to handle, and "reticence" was quite the quiet sort: we are confident that Hana would have no problems with getting the two of them to get along.

However, the Orphanage strongly recommends that you stick to one adoption until you feel comfortable and ready to handle another word. While it may be trying at times, we are sure that you and your new word would get along fantastically after the initial adjustment period.

Words adopted so far: blood conflagration eucalyptus insatiable life mother muffin reticence yogurt

Meredith adopts a word: "blood"

2006-03-13T01:39:00.000+08:00

Meredith assures me that "blood" is always nice, but I have my worries that she'll stop loving it after it grows up. Oh well, at least it'll have a nice home for a while. Good company, enough room to roll and stretch, regular feedings and walks... what more can a word ask for?

Words adopted so far: blood conflagration eucalyptus insatiable life mother yogurt

Mochaa adopts a word: "insatiable"

2006-03-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

The Orphanage would like to take this opportunity to reassure all potential foster parents that all our words are toilet-trained. Words, by nature, are clean and hardly make any mess at all: in the rare times when they actually have to, ah, 'go', they would clean up after themselves.

In other news, let us give Mochaa a round of applause for adopting "insaitable". Photo opportunity now, please. ... thank you. Mochaa, we will be sending the plaque to you later on in the week. Have your people call our people.

Words adopted so far: conflagration eucalyptus insatiable life mother yogurt

tOri^ adopts a word: "life"

2006-03-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

See tOri^ run. Run, tOri^, run.

Words adopted so far: conflagration eucalyptus life mother yogurt

Eadric adopts a word: "mother"

2006-03-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

Ah, Eadric, our favorite person of the month. He chose to adopt the word "mother", for reasons unknown to us, but whatever makes him happy makes us at the Orphanage happy too. We would love to invite him over for some tea and crumpets, but we're afraid he might scare some of the milder words with the one he adopted.

Words adopted so far: conflagration eucalyptus mother yogurt

Kristy adopts a word: "conflagration"

2006-03-13T00:47:00.000+08:00

Kristy, in her infinite wisdom and mercy, has decided to adopt the word "conflagration". She has sworn upon the Bell, Book and Candle to take care of it as if it were a spawn of her womb itself, yea verily, amen. Although we had to make do with an electrical bell for the swearing ceremony and use an RPG supplement for her to swear upon, but hell.

Words adopted so far: conflagration eucalyptus yogurt

"Richmond" adopts a word: "eucalyptus"

2006-03-13T00:44:00.000+08:00

"Richmond" (who's really Alex) has adopted the word "eucalyptus". Whatever the fuck it means. Hooray for Alex! We trust that he will shower his word with as much tender, loving care as his psychotic mind can bestow upon it.

Words adopted so far: eucalyptus yogurt

Terence adopts a word: "yogurt"

2006-03-13T00:39:00.000+08:00

The first person to adopt a word in the month of March, Terence has been a firm advocate of the English language for years now. He likes green tea, cake and the occasional video of goats grazing in the fields of gold. Mm... goats.

Words adopted so far: yogurt

Adopt-a-Word Today. Please.

2006-03-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

"The English Language is dead. The English Language remains dead. And we have killed him." - Nietzsche

Scientists, with advances in the field of carbon-dating, trace the death of the English Language back to the year 1996, with the birth of the Intarweb. Modern technology, which was supposed to make man more productive, gave rise only to the dominance of goat sex, pink balloons, online dice-rollers and blogs like these.

The Intarweb poisoned the English Language, and doomed it to a slow, painful death.

We at the Orphanage for the English Language would like to encourage you to adopt a word today. There is only one rule in adoption: do not adopt a word that someone else has already adopted. We only ask that you be kind to the word you adopt, treat it love and care for it as you would care for a child of your own. Use them, if you must, but use them with the respect and pride they deserve.

So please, think of the English Language. We urge you, adopt a word today by emailing us at thanthos@gmail.com or leaving a comment here. Thank you.